Nobody's Daughter

I am nobody’s daughter. No father’s last name. Self-authored and uninherited.

I’ve walked alone in this life since I first came conscious of myself. Not as a baby… as soon as I can remember.

I always felt like I had a bigger purpose than being this girl, on this god-forsaken planet, in that small town, with those people. It felt like a place I was passing through until I got there.

Where there is, I’m still trying to figure out.

I’ve had many moments in my life where I thought I’d arrived, only to realize I was still in the belly of the whale. Still being digested. Still fighting relentless currents.

It happened first when I was a young girl, maybe 5. I remember looking at my mother as if she were a stranger. She felt unrecognizable and disconnected from my soul. This was a woman I was supposed to call home, who never once felt like shelter. She was the storm most days.

I felt the same standing in front of my father. He was a jagged hammer and I was always the nail. That was the moment, I understood the silhouette of my own life. I was nobody ‘s daughter.

When I was teenager, my parents were the thing that kept me in a state of turmoil. I spent those years ducking and dodging them, and when evading them wasn’t possible, I faced them head on and gave them back exactly what they gave me. I lied to them, I defied them, I spit venomous words doing my best to wound them. I matched their energy and they hated me even more for it. I felt nothing for my parents, because they felt nothing for me.

Then I had children of my own and for the first time, home was not a myth I was chasing. It was real. My soul was their soul. My heart was their heart. I built the thing I never had, out of nothing, with my own blood, sweat and tears.

And then we were separated. Because life. Because decisions having to be made from impossible choices. Because hate and abuse. Because of family who hated me more than they loved my children.

But, I kept moving. Still in the belly of the whale.

I found myself in Texas, 1200 miles away from everyone I knew and loved, my heart and soul. And I realized there was no whale anymore. I escaped. But the whale didn’t spit me out gently. It took years.

I’m still nobody’s daughter, but that’s not who I am.

I am someone who loves fiercely, without a reservation. Nobody taught me the rules, so I wrote my own damn book. I am someone who finally learned to love herself, first and foremost. Learning this took longer than loving anyone else ever did, and it mattered most.

I am a mother. Still. Always.

I am a writer. Language is my tool. I use it to cut with precision, as a bridge when I need to close a gap and a balm to heal.

I’m also a wife. To someone who chose me and continues to choose me, moment after moment, day after day, year after year. And I choose him. Freely. He is the first to love all my scars despite their ugliness.

I am a neighbor and a friend. I am the woman who shows up.

And I am nobody’s daughter. I unlearned the bloodlines. A free spirit who finally understood the assignment the universe handed to her. It was never about them at all.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO, Eevie

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~Eevie